“Just so you know, when you’re doing everything
for other people, and basing your happiness and self-worth on their
opinions, you’ve lost your moral center.” - J.E. Mara
Today, I want to discuss why it’s not healthy to
spend lots of time worrying about what everyone thinks of you, proper handling of people's judgements and
how to stop yourself from doing so.
In a nutshell, tying your self-worth to everyone
else’s opinions gives you a flawed sense of reality. But
before we look at how to fix this, first we need to understand why we
do this.
From wanting others to think we’re attractive, most of us care about what others think. In
fact, a big part of this is an innate desire that we are born with.
It has been proven time and time again that most people are often
drawn directly from the behaviors of those around them.
As we grow up, we learn to separate our thoughts and
emotions from everyone else, but many of us continue to seek –
and in many cases beg for – positive social validation from
others. This can cause serious trouble when it comes to
self-esteem and happiness.
As human beings, we naturally respond to everything
we experience through the lens of our learned expectations – a set
of deep-rooted beliefs about the way the world is and how things
should be. And one of the most prevailing expectations we have
involves external validation and how others ‘should’ respond to
us.
The biggest problem is we tend to forget that people
judge us based on a pool of influences in their own life that have
absolutely nothing to do with us. Hence, basing your self-worth
on what others think puts you in a perpetual state of vulnerability –
you are literally at the mercy of their unreliable, bias
perspectives.
If they see you in the right light, and respond
to you in a positive, affirming manner, then you feel good about
yourself. And if not, you feel like you did something wrong.
The good news is we have the capacity to watch our
thoughts and expectations, identify which ones serve us, and then
change the ones that do not.
So, in order to stop worrying so much about what
others think, it’s time to inject some fresh objectivity into your
life, and develop a value system that doesn’t depend on others
every step of the way.
Here are few things you can start doing today:
Remind yourself that most people are NOT thinking about you anyway.
A famous blogger once said, “We would worry far
less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they
do.” Nothing could be closer to the truth.
Forget what everyone else
thinks of you today; chances are, they aren’t thinking about you
anyway. If you feel like they always are, understand that this
perception of them watching you and critiquing your every move is a
complete figment of your imagination. It’s your own inner
fears and insecurities that are creating this illusion.
It’s you judging yourself that’s the real
problem.
Acknowledge that external validation is only getting in your way.
Spend time clearly and consciously articulating to
yourself how your thoughts about what others are (potentially)
thinking plays out in your life. Think of situations where it
gets in your way, and identify the triggers and the regrettable
responses it causes in your life. Then identify a new behavior
that creates a more beneficial response.
Tell yourself, “Instead of responding in the same
old way based on what I think others are thinking, I will respond in
this new way based on my new way of thinking about myself.”
Every time you interrupt your automatic response and respond
differently, you are re-wiring your brain to think more effectively.
The ultimate goal is to never let someone’s
opinion become your reality. To never sacrifice who you are, or
who you aspire to be, because someone else has a problem with it.
To love who you are inside and out as you push forward. And to
realize once and for all that no one else has the power to make you
feel small unless you give them that power.
Get comfortable with not knowing what other people think.
When I first started writing on this blog, I’d
agonize over whether people would think what I was writing was good
enough. I desperately hoped they’d like it, and oftentimes
I’d catch myself imagining they didn’t. Then one day I
realized how much energy I was wasting worrying about it. So
I’ve gradually learned to relax with simply not knowing.
Some problems in life, such as not knowing what
others think of you, are not really meant to be resolved. As
I’ve mentioned, how people perceive you may have more to do with
them than you anyway.
They may even like or dislike you simply
because you’ve triggered an association in their minds by reminding
them of someone they liked or disliked from their past, which has
absolutely nothing to do with you.
So here’s a new mantra for you – say it, and
then say it again: “This is my life, my choices, my mistakes and my
lessons. As long as I’m not hurting people, I need not worry
what they think of me.”
Refocus your attention on what DOES matter.
People will think what they want to think. You
can’t control them. No matter how carefully you choose your
words and mannerisms, there’s always a good chance they’ll be
misinterpreted and twisted upside down by someone. Does this
really matter in the grand scheme of things? No, it doesn’t. What DOES matter is how you see yourself.
So when you’re making big decisions, make a habit
of staying 100% true to your values and convictions. Never be
ashamed of doing what feels right.
To help you implement this positive habit, start by
listing out things that are important to you when it comes to
building your character and living your life honorably. For
example:
Honesty
Reliability
Self-respect
Self-discipline
Compassion
Progression
Positivity
Having a list like this to reference will give you
an opportunity to consciously invoke your handpicked traits/behaviors
in place of doing something random simply for the purpose of external
validation.
While it may sound overly simplistic, most people
never take the time to actually decide what is important to them when
it comes to their self-image – they let others decide for them.
Let go of your ‘End of the World’ thinking.
All variations of worrying, including worrying about
rejection, thrive on ‘end of the world’ thinking. In other
words, our emotions convince us that an undesirable outcome results
in annihilation.
What if they don’t like
me? What if he rejects me? What if I don’t fit in and I’m left
sitting alone at the party? etc.
None of these things result in the end of the world,
but if we convince ourselves that they do, we will irrationally fear
these outcomes and give our fears control over us. The truth
is, we – human beings – are inefficient at accurately predicting
how future misfortune will make us feel. In fact, most of the
time we avoid consciously thinking about it all together, which only
perpetuates our subconscious fears.
So ask yourself: “If disaster should strike, and
my fear of being rejected comes true, what are three constructive
ways I could cope and move forward with my life?”
Sit down and tell yourself a story about how you
will feel after rejection, how you will allow yourself to be upset
for a short while, and then how you will begin the process of growing
from the experience and moving on. Just doing this exercise
will help you to feel less fear around the possibility of someone
thinking poorly of you.
And you’ll gradually begin to
realize, What other people think of you really doesn’t
matter that much.
Afterthoughts
You don’t need a standing ovation or a bestseller
or a promotion or a million admiration. You have nothing to
prove. You are enough right now. Go ahead and meditate on
that for a minute.
YOU ARE ENOUGH RIGHT NOW.
Care less about who you are to others and more about
who you are to yourself. You will have less heartaches and
disappointments the minute you stop seeking from others the
validation only YOU can give yourself.
-- J.E. Mara --
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